We have all been hurt and many of us carry pain for many years because of those hurts. We may even feel validated in our unforgiveness because of how much the other person hurt us. We may feel what they did was wrong, and they do not deserve to be forgiven. My biological father sexually abused me as a child and because of that experience, and several other hurtful experiences, I ended up living in a place of unforgiveness for years. I felt justified in that unforgiveness and for many years I did not even realize that I had bitterness in my heart. Part of me felt like God “understood” my feelings and that I was doing okay. However, the Bible is very clear that we must forgive if we want to be forgiven and walk in total freedom.

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32, AMP

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14, AMP

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13, AMP

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven my forgive you your sins. Mark 11:25, AMP

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15, AMP

Then Peter came to Him and asked, “Lord, how many times will my brother sin against me and I forgive him and let it go? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered him, “I say to you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven.” “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he began the accounting, one who owed him 10,000 talents was brought to him. But because he could not repay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and his children and everything that he possessed, and payment to be made. So, the slave fell on his knees and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’  And his master’s heart was moved with compassion and he released him and forgave him [canceling] the debt. But that same slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began choking him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe!’ So, his fellow slave fell on his knees and begged him earnestly, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling, and he went and had him thrown in prison until he paid back the debt. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved, and they went and reported to their master [with clarity and in detail] everything that had taken place. Then his master called him and said to him, ‘You wicked and contemptible slave, I forgave all that [great] debt of yours because you begged me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave [who owed you little by comparison], as I had mercy on you?’ And in wrath his master turned him over to the torturers (jailers) until he paid all that he owed. My heavenly Father will also do the same to [every one of] you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” Matthew 18:21-35, AMP

Many times, we get hung up in this area because we really do not understand what forgiveness means and doesn’t mean. Forgiveness is not saying what the person did was okay, or that your feelings do not matter. What it is saying: “I choose to forgive them in the same way Jesus forgave me. I may not forget what they did, but I choose to release them, forgive them, and let the pain go.” Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is an action and a choice. We much chose to forgive and keep choosing it over and over. Often the feelings created by forgiving will follow the choice. We cannot wait for the feelings to come; we must make the choice to forgive no matter how we feel.

I have a few practical steps to forgiving that I used in my own life. First, we must ask Jesus to help us forgive and to heal the pain from the hurt. Ask Him to uproot all the pain and all the negative emotions connected to the painful situation. If you are still in a lot of pain from the situation you may need to seek Christian counseling to walk in total healing. If you seek Christian counseling make sure it is with someone who understands the importance of forgiveness and understands we have the ability to heal completely from the pain, trauma, and hurt.

Many therapists will tell us we do not have to forgive, and that we have a right to our negative feelings. They are correct, in part. It is our right to refuse to forgive, but the Word is clear if we do refuse to offer forgiveness, God will not forgive us. Hurt and trauma can be hard to work through, but it is possible to completely forgive and heal. We do not have to stay stuck in a place of victimhood, pain, rejection, and hurt. We can heal and release all the negative effects of the painful situation. Trauma is not a lifetime sentence and it does not have to leave lasting scars. When Jesus heals He heals so deeply that even the scars do not remain.

Steps to Forgiveness: Prayer, Repentance, Release, Forgive

We must forgive others, but we must also forgive ourselves. We cannot overlook the importance of forgiving ourselves. Sometimes we are so giving and gracious with others, forgiving them easily, but then we cannot do the same for ourselves. The lack of forgiving ourselves can even lead to self-hatred, shame, and low self-esteem. We can easily get stuck in regret and guilt as a result of mistakes and choices that caused pain to others. If you have hurt others, repent, make apologizes to who you need to, and then release yourself. Do not let others continue to beat you up for past choices and mistakes. It is our job to apologize but if the other person will not accept our apology, we must figure out how to move forward. We should continue praying for them to accept our forgiveness. We can also ask God to show us how to approach them and ask for Him to show us His plan and timing for the relationship. The situation may require us to pray from a distance until they are in a place where they can really forgive us.

A great exercise in forgiving is to write a letter to the person(s) you need to forgive and/or yourself. Make sure to include all your feelings related to all the hurt and pain they have caused. Pour your heart out in the letter(s). After you write it ask God to forgive your unforgiveness, and then burn it. As the letter is burning ask God to burn the feelings of unforgiveness out of your heart and completely release all of the negative feelings and emotions to Him. Reconciliation may be in order and it may not. If the person is abusive and/or toxic it is okay to maintain your distance and create healthy boundaries. You should always ask God for His direction concerning reconciliation.

This is an example of a prayer to get you started. It is just an outline, and you should pray as the Lord leads. You may need to pray daily or even multiple times a day to fully walk in total forgiveness.

Verbally Pray: “Lord, just as you forgive me, I choose to forgive ______________________ for ________________________ and I release them to You. I ask You to forgive me for holding on to any unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger. I now release all bitterness, anger, regret, and pain associated with this situation. In Jesus name I pray, amen.” Keep saying this prayer until you really mean it and you know in your heart that you have fully forgiven them. You may not feel anything the first several times you say it, but I want to encourage you to keep saying it, daily. Keep in mind that forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling.

There is one sure way to know if you have totally forgiven the person who hurt you. Think about them and then take stock of your reactions. How do you feel about them? What is the first thing you think of? If you have truly forgiven them the harsh feelings will be gone. You can pray for them, and really mean it. Your heart will feel free and you will be able to fully heal.

Setting Boundaries with Toxic People After Forgiveness

This section is concerning people who are toxic and/or abusive, not individuals who are willing to change and work on the relationship in a mature, respectful manner. One, set zero expectations for the person you have forgiven. They are who they say they are. Two, do not pray manipulative prayers trying to change them. There is only one person we can and should try to change and that is ourselves. We should not pray for God to do what we think He should in others. We can pray for Him to have His way in their lives and for them to see His truth, but we should not pray for Him to change them for our benefit. Third, make sure you are not speaking death over their lives. Do not gossip and allow others to pick up your offense. We must speak life over everyone, even those who hurt us. Finally, it may be important to set strict boundaries if the person is abusive and/or toxic. Once the boundaries are set it is very important to be consistent in sticking to them 100% of the time. We teach others how to treat us by the things we allow. We cannot be angry with them if we allow them to breach the boundaries at times and then try to stick to them at other times. If we do that they will be confused and easily recognize we really do not mean what we say. They will try to cross our boundaries whenever they feel like it but if we hold strong to them they will quickly learn they are firmly in place and they will adjust their behavior or not have full access to our lives.

This is a suggested list of boundaries, but before you put them in place make sure to ask God what He wants you to do in the situation.

Spouse: You should go into heavy warfare, against the enemy, for your spouse. You carry a lot of spiritual weight because according to the Word of God you are one. Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4-6 Also, dedicate a lot of time in intercessory prayer for them. Make sure you are not praying manipulative prayers, asking God to make them the way you think they should be, but instead pray for God to draw them closer to Him, make their heart more like His, their thinking more like His and to have His way in their lives. I would also have open honest conversations with them about your feelings. Pray for God to protect your heart against bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness towards them. I would also consider seeking outside help such as a trained Christian counselor.

Family: You should be very up front and have an open honest conversation with them concerning the boundaries you are putting in place. The conversation could go something like this: “We will have contact as long as it is not emotionally abusive. If it becomes abusive the phone call/visit will end immediately.” Set the boundaries and stick to them every single time. You dictate how others will treat you. Do not entertain arguments at all, as soon as they start trying to argue remove yourself from the situation. The fighting and conflict ends with you. If they are really toxic you may have to love them and pray for them from a distance.

Friends: First ask God and yourself if the person really belongs in your life. If the answer is yes, set the same kind of boundaries as with family members.

Co-Workers: You must refuse to enter into their games and arguments. Do not gossip about them with other coworkers. Also, make sure you do not try to explain yourself to them over and over. If they refuse to see the issue from your perspective that probably means that they do not care or they do not have the ability to see anything but their point of view. You can needlessly wear yourself out trying to get them to see your point of view. Sincerely pray for them, from a distance but minimize your contact with them as much as possible. Let your light shine in the workplace and make sure you are not allowing the enemy to use them and the situation to stir up anger and bitterness in your heart. 

Church: First, ask God if you really belong in that specific church. If the leadership is toxic, but God has not released you to leave, seek what His plan is for you there. It could be that He is using this season to teach you, teach others, or to reach others. Try to talk to the leadership and have an open and honest conversation with them. If the issue was with a brother or sister in Christ try to talk to them with an open and honest conversation. If nothing changes, I suggest distancing yourself from the individual. Keep in mind that some people are sent into our lives by the enemy to drain, distract, and hurt us. We do not have to be abused by others. We can love them and sincerely pray for them from a distance. Ask God to guard your heart against anger, bitterness and resentment toward the person if you must continue attending the same church as them. We should always try to reconcile with our brothers and sisters in Christ, but it is just not always possible. We are called to love everyone with the love of Christ, but I do not think that means we have to subject ourselves to abusive people.

I hope you find this post helpful!

Blessings,

Nichole Henson, Fullness of Joy Ministry