I am going to address healing from trauma from a spiritual point of view. I am not going to be teaching about coping skills, or therapy because I think that kind of information is very easy to find. I am instead going to address the spiritual aspect because that kind of information is very difficult to find and it is so often over looked.

The first thing I want to address is the importance of forgiveness.

Forgiveness

We have all been hurt and many of us carry pain for many years because of those hurts. We may even feel validated in our unforgiveness because of how much the other person hurt us. We may feel what they did was wrong, and they do not deserve to be forgiven. However, the Bible is very clear that we must forgive if we want to be forgiven and walk in total freedom.

Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Colossians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Matthew 6:15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 18:21–35 Then Peter came to Him and asked, “Lord, how many times will my brother sin against me and I forgive him and let it go? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered him, “I say to you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven.” “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he began the accounting, one who owed him 10,000 talents was brought to him. But because he could not repay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and his children and everything that he possessed, and payment to be made. So, the slave fell on his knees and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.’  And his master’s heart was moved with compassion and he released him and forgave him [canceling] the debt. But that same slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began choking him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe!’ So, his fellow slave fell on his knees and begged him earnestly, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But he was unwilling, and he went and had him thrown in prison until he paid back the debt. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved, and they went and reported to their master [with clarity and in detail] everything that had taken place. Then his master called him and said to him, ‘You wicked and contemptible slave, I forgave all that [great] debt of yours because you begged me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave [who owed you little by comparison], as I had mercy on you?’ And in wrath his master turned him over to the torturers (jailers) until he paid all that he owed. My heavenly Father will also do the same to [every one of] you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

Many times, we get hung up in this area because we really do not understand what forgiveness means. Forgiveness is not saying what the person did is okay, or that your feelings do not matter. What it is saying is, “I choose to forgive in the same way Jesus forgave me. I may not forget what you did, but I choose to release you, forgive you, and let the pain go.” Forgiveness is not a feeling or emotion; it is an action and a choice. We must chose to forgive and keep choosing it. Often the feelings created by forgiving will follow the choice. We cannot wait for the feelings to come; we must make the choice to forgive no matter how we feel.

I have a few practical steps to forgiving that I used in my own life. First, we must ask Jesus to help us forgive and to heal the pain from the hurt. Ask Him to uproot all the pain and all the negative emotions connected to the painful situation. If you are still in a lot of pain from the situation you may need to seek Christian counseling to walk in total healing. If you seek Christian counseling, make sure it is with someone who understands the importance of forgiveness and understands we have the ability to heal completely from pain, trauma, and hurt.

Many therapists will tell us we do not have to forgive, and that we have a right to our negative feelings. They are correct, in part. It is our right to refuse to forgive, but the Word is clear if we do refuse to offer forgiveness, God will not forgive us. Hurt and trauma can be hard to work through, but it is possible. We do not have to stay stuck in a place of victimhood, pain, rejection, and hurt. We can heal and release all the negative effects of the painful situation. Trauma is not a lifetime sentence.

Steps to Forgiveness: Prayer, Repentance, Release, Forgive

We must forgive others, but we must also forgive ourselves. We cannot overlook the importance of forgiving ourselves. Sometimes we are so giving and gracious with others, forgiving them easily, but then we cannot do the same for ourselves. The lack of forgiving ourselves can even lead to self-hatred, shame, and low self-esteem. We can easily get stuck in regret and guilt because of mistakes and choices that caused pain to others. If you have hurt someone, repent, make apologizes to who you need to, and then release yourself. Do not let others continue to beat you up for past choices and mistakes. It is our job to apologize, but if the other person will not accept our apology, we must move forward. We should continue praying for them to accept our forgiveness. We can also ask God to show us how to approach them and ask for Him to show us His plan and timing for the relationship. The situation may require us to pray from a distance until they are in a place where they can really forgive us. We should not get defensive and angry with them if they are not at a place where they are willing or able to forgive us yet. We must be patient and kind until they have healed and are ready to move forward with the relationship.

A great exercise in forgiving is to write a letter to the person(s) you need to forgive and/or yourself. Make sure to include all your feelings related to all the hurt and pain they have caused. Pour your heart out in the letter(s). After you write it, ask God to forgive your unforgiveness and then burn it. As the letter is burning, ask God to burn and uproot the feelings of unforgiveness out of your heart and completely release all the negative feelings and emotions to Him. Reconciliation may be in order and it may not. If the person is abusive and/or toxic, it is okay to maintain your distance and create healthy boundaries. You should always ask God for His direction concerning reconciliation and boundaries and follow His leading.

This is an example of a prayer to get you started. It is just an outline, and you should pray as the Lord leads. You may need to pray daily or even multiple times a day to fully walk in total forgiveness.

Verbally Pray: “Lord, just as you forgive me, I choose to forgive (name of person) for ______________________ and I release them to You. I ask You to forgive me for holding on to any unforgiveness, bitterness, and anger. I now release all bitterness, anger, regret, and pain associated with this situation. Lord, I ask that You heal any areas of pain and hurt that was created and that I have been holding on to. I pray You would totally uproot the pain and replace it with Your healing, love, acceptance, and peace. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.” Keep saying this prayer until you really mean it and you know in your heart that you have fully forgiven them. You may not feel anything the first several times you say it, but I want to encourage you to keep saying it, daily. Keep in mind that forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling.

There is one sure way to know if you have totally forgiven the person who hurt you. Think about them and then take stock of your reactions. How do you feel about them? What is the first thing you think of? If you have truly forgiven, the harsh feelings toward the person will be gone. You can pray for them, and really mean it. Your heart will feel free, and you will be able to fully heal and move out of the bondage of unforgiveness.

Setting Boundaries with Toxic People After Forgiveness

This section is concerning people who are toxic and/or abusive, not individuals who are willing to change and work on the relationship in a mature, respectful manner.

One, set zero expectations for the person you have forgiven. They are who they say they are. Two, do not pray manipulative prayers trying to change them. There is only one person we can and should try to change and that is ourselves. We should not pray for God to do what we think He should in others. We can pray for Him to have His way in their lives and for them to see His truth, but we should not pray for Him to change them for our benefit. Third, make sure you are not speaking death over their lives. Do not gossip and allow or encourage others to pick up your offense. We must speak life over everyone, even those who hurt us. Finally, it may be important to set strict boundaries if the person is abusive and/or toxic. Once the boundaries are set, it is very important to be consistent in sticking to them 100% of the time. We teach others how to treat us by the things we allow. We cannot be angry with them if we allow them to breach the boundaries at times and then try to stick to them at other times. If we do that they will be confused and easily recognize we really do not mean what we say. They will try to cross our boundaries whenever they feel like it. But if we hold strong to our boundaries others will quickly learn they are firmly in place and they will adjust their behavior or not have full access to our lives.

This is a suggested list of boundaries; but before you put them in place, make sure to ask God what He wants you to do in each of the situations.

Spouse: You should go into heavy warfare against the enemy for your spouse. You carry a lot of spiritual weight because according to the Word of God you are one. Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:4–6. Also, dedicate a lot of time in intercessory prayer for them. Make sure you are not praying manipulative prayers, asking God to make them the way you think they should be, but instead pray for God to draw them closer to Him, make their heart more like His, their thinking more like His, and to have His way in their lives. I would also have open honest conversations with them about your feelings. Pray for God to protect your heart against bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness toward them. I would also consider seeking outside help such as a trained Christian counselor.

Family: You should be very up front and have an open honest conversation with them concerning the boundaries you are putting in place. The conversation could go something like this: “We will have contact as long as it is not emotionally abusive. If it becomes abusive, the phone call/visit will end immediately.” Set the boundaries and stick to them every single time. You dictate how others will treat you. Do not entertain arguments at all, as soon as they start trying to argue remove yourself from the situation. The fighting and conflict end with you. If they are really toxic you may have to love them and pray for them from a distance.

Friends: First ask God and yourself if the person really belongs in your life. If the answer is yes, set the same kind of boundaries as with family members.

Co-Workers: You must refuse to enter into their games and arguments. Do not gossip about them with other coworkers. Also, make sure you do not try to explain yourself to them over and over. If they refuse to see the issue from your perspective that probably means they do not care or they do not have the ability to see anything but their point of view. You can needlessly wear yourself out trying to get them to see your point of view. Sincerely pray for them, from a distance, but minimize your contact with them as much as possible. Let your light shine in the workplace and make sure you are not allowing the enemy to use them and the situation to stir up anger and bitterness in your heart.

Church: First, ask God if you really belong in that specific church. If the leadership is toxic, but God has not released you to leave, seek what His plan is for you there. It could be that He is using this season to teach you, teach others, or to reach others. Try to talk to the leadership and have an open and honest conversation with them. If the issue was with a brother or sister in Christ, try to talk to them with an open and honest conversation. If nothing changes, I suggest distancing yourself from the individual. Keep in mind that some people are sent into our lives by the enemy to drain, distract, and hurt us. We do not have to be abused by others. We can love them and sincerely pray for them from a distance. Ask God to guard your heart against anger, bitterness, and resentment toward the person if you must continue attending the same church as them. We should always try to reconcile with our brothers and sisters in Christ, but it is just not always possible. We are called to love everyone with the love of Christ, but I do not think that means we have to subject ourselves to abusive people.

Christian Counseling: If needed seek Christian counseling because it can be good for processing the trauma, making plans on how to move toward goals in life, and helping you to create healthy boundaries. However, make sure you find a Christian therapist who understands the Word of God, the importance of forgiveness, and the power of God to fully heal and restore you no matter what you have experienced.

Don’t Get Stuck: You can move past the trauma, and you do not have to carry the scars for the rest of your life. You must break the cycles and move forward. Don’t get stuck looking back or you will never move forward. Genesis 19: 1-38. Part of moving forward is breaking the habit of living in the past. Don’t allow the enemy (demons) to beat you up with memories of the past. The enemy will always try to get you stuck in the past you do not move forward in the calling and purpose God has given you. The best way to combat the attacks of the enemy is to verbally command them to stop and silence them with the Word of God and name of Jesus. Don’t allow them to use your past as a weapon.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Do not remember the former things, Or ponder the things of the past. “Listen carefully, I am about to do a new thing, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even put a road in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert.

Philippians 3:13-14 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [heavenly] prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 4:25 Let your eyes look directly ahead [toward the path of moral courage] And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you [toward the path of integrity].

I know it isn’t easy, but I also know it is possible. We cannot look back and move forward at the same time. Sometimes we just have to refuse to go back to the past.

We must also break out of the victimhood mentality and refuse to remain a victim.

Symptoms of Victimhood Mentality:

You feel like life happens to you and you have no control.

You are constantly going from one crisis to the next and you feel like “life” is out to get you.

You identify as a victim. It is always on your mind, you spend a lot of time thinking about the trauma, you focus on the effects of the trauma in your life, and you constantly look for other connections based on those traumas, illnesses, or other negative life experiences.

You join a ton of online groups that focus on trauma, you talk about it all the time, you think about it all the time, and you become fixated on it. It is what you post about all the time, and it takes more of your focus than anything else in your life.

When you hear the stories of the things others go through your go to reaction is to one up them and you tell yourself how much worse your situation was.

You use justification as an excuse for your negative feelings and attitudes. You feel like no one else gets it and if they really knew what all you have been through, they would understand why you are stuck where you are at.

Self-pity is a huge hallmark of a victimhood mentality.

Breaking the Victimhood Mentality: You have to break identity with it and refuse to let it be part of who are you. Stop identifying yourself as a victim. The trauma happened to you, but it is not who you are. It does not get to dictate who you are or who you become. Ask God who you are, who He created you to be, what plans He has for you, and how He sees you. He is your created and He is the only one who really knows who you are. Don’t accept the labels created from the trauma. It is not your identity. It happened to you, and it is not you. You are not broken and you are not damaged. That is a lie from the enemy. You are a new creation in Christ. Old things are passed away and all things are made new. Replace being a victim with what the Word of God says about you. Replace every single lie with the truth found in the Word.

Romans 8:37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors and gain an overwhelming victory through Him who loved us [so much that He died for us].

1 John 5:4 For everyone born of God is victorious and overcomes the world; and this is the victory that has conquered and overcome the world—our [continuing, persistent] faith [in Jesus the Son of God].

Ephesians 2:10 For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above—spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us].

Psalm 139:13-16 For You formed my innermost parts; You knit me [together] in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks and praise to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was being formed in secret, And intricately and skillfully formed [as if embroidered with many colors] in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were appointed for me, When as yet there was not one of them [even taking shape].

Give zero entertainment to the negative voices in your head. Do not focus on them, analyze them, or sit with them even for a moment. Kick them out. Create your identity around who God says you are and peel off the identity of being a victim.

Change the way you talk about yourself. We have the power of life and death in our words. Speak life over yourself: I am more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ, I have the mind of Christ, I am a new creation in Him, etc. If we continue to speak words about being a victim we will continue to be a victim, but if we speak words about being an overcomer we will be an overcomer.

We are not stuck in life. We all have choices. We may not like the consequences of the choices, but we still have them. We must change our perspective. Sometimes we need to get out of ourselves and out of our heads and stop focusing on ourselves, what we are going through, how bad we have it, and switch out focus to what is going right in our lives and on God, His Word, and His plan for our lives.

Break Negative Thoughts and Patterns Related to the Trauma: We often end up with very negative feelings, patterns, and behaviors as a result of the abuse. It is really helpful to first recognize those negative areas and then sit with the Lord. Ask Him to take you to the root cause of the attitude, feeling, or behavior. Once He shows you the root cause ask Him to remove the root and replace it with His healing, peace, and love. Once He brings His healing it is then up to you to break the negative pattern. Once He heals the area do not let the enemy lie to you and say it is not healed. Do not let the enemy use the past pain, that is now healed, to beat you up. Command the demons to be silent in the name of Jesus. Do not allow the trauma to play over and over in your head, command it to stop in the name of Jesus.

Change Perspective and Focus: You must break the pattern of seeing through the lens of the trauma because that can create false realities.

Colossians 3:2 Set your mind and keep focused habitually on the things above [the heavenly things], not on things that are on the earth [which have only temporal value].

We must be kingdom focused and not let the things of the temporal shift our focus form the eternal. The storms of life try to pull our focus away from God, His kingdom, and our kingdom purpose, but we must not allow that to happen. Our minds are our territory and we have the authority to dictate what goes on in our mind. We are responsible for our thought life and our responses to the storms of life.

Deliverance: Many times trauma creates open doors for demons in our lives. When that happens deliverance is needed to close those doors, remove legal rights, and cast the demons out.

Final Thoughts: Trauma creates lies in our lives. Lies about ourselves, God, and others. We have to tear down every single lie and replace it with the truth. The trauma happened to us and it is not part of who we are. We can heal to the point of the scars not even remaining. I used to think it was a sign of strength to show my scars, but the Lord showed me when He heals, He heals perfectly.

Blessings,

Nichole Henson, Fullness of Joy Ministry