Church Hurt: Summary of the live with Kelvin Johnston (dad) and me.

Church hurt is so painful, sometimes it is the most painful type of hurt we can go through. We expect to be hurt by those in the world (jobs, neighborhoods, and even some family) but the one place we do not expect it is the church. It can often blindside us and at times even completely derail our lives.

Why it Happens:

Spiritual Attacks: We have an enemy who wants to kill, steal and destroy our lives, ministries, and relationships. He is always looking and pushing for ways to create division, offense and hurt. This happens all of the time in the church. Often times the root cause of issues in our lives is rejection and if the enemy can create circumstances in our lives to cause us to feel rejected, he will do it every time. Rejection is often the root cause of running away from God, compromise, and building huge walls around our hearts. I believe church hurt, and hurt in general, is one of the main tactics used by the enemy because hurt often leads to rejection which leads to broken relationships, lack of identity, low self-worth, victimhood, and stagnation (getting stuck in the place of hurt). Remember we do not fight against flesh and blood (people). We only have one enemy and that is the devil and his demons.

Hurt People Hurt People: People usually do not intend to hurt others, but it happens all of the time. Many times the most hurtful people are ones who have been hurt the most. If you could look into their lives you may see deep pain, hurt, and rejection which causes them to lash out at others, use manipulation as a tool, and at times lack empathy for the feelings of others. This is in no way an excuse, but if we spent a little time looking to the root cause of others actions it may cause us to understand the situation a little better.

Misunderstandings: There are times that we simply do not understand each other, or we perceive something that is not accurate. That is why open and honest communication is so important in all relationships.

Possible Consequences of the Hurt: When we are first hurt we may respond in a lot of difference ways. If the hurt was severe we may even go through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We can also get stuck at any given stage, even for years. Below are some of the other possible consequences.

Turning Away from God: Often time we can let our relationship with God suffer when we go through any type of painful situation. We can begin to question why He did not stop the situation and/or protect us. This can lead to a gradual walking away from Him or it can even be a sudden running away, depending on how bad the hurt was.

Compromise: If we are not quick to forgive and lock in with a church family we can begin to let things come into our lives that we never would have before. Suddenly somethings do not feel as wrong as they used to. A little sin here and there doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. We may even justify our attitudes and sin by saying we have been through so much we deserve to indulge, or we deserve to keep that sinful attitude. We may even end up with a seared conscience to the point that we no longer call certain sin, sin. Not that we are out living a wild lifestyle, but we no longer seek to live Godly, Biblical lives. We may become critical and negative in our thinking and speaking.

Building Walls: Because of the hurt we may tell ourselves that we will never let that happen again, so we build huge walls around our hearts and lives. We build them to keep ourselves safe and hurtful people out, but the problem with that is they also end up keeping those we love out and they even keep God out. By the time we realize what has happened it may be too late to even care.

Burying Your Calling: There are times that we walk away from the church and as we do we throw our calling down with the thought of never looking back. It is too painful and it hurts way to much to look back, so we bury it and refuse to look back. We may even go as far as to doubt that we were even really called. We allow pain, confusion, and doubt to steal the identity given to us by God.

Rebellion: We may feel God calling us to a place of forgiveness, but the pain screams for vengeance. We can let the voice of pain drown out the voice of God and end up in a place of rebellion where we are set on doing our own thing, our own way.

How to Recover:

Don’t:

Gossip/Vent: Do not speak about the situation to others because the last thing you want to do is have others pick up your offense. You may lay the offense down, but if others have picked it up they may not lay it down as easily.

Do:

Run to God: Jesus was hurt by the church people. That is who were yelling the loudest to crucify Him, but He asked God to forgive them. As in everything He is our great example. As soon as we suffer any kind of hurt we must run to our Father and get in His presence. We must forgive those who hurt us and ask God to heal the pain.

Spiritual Warfare and Prayer: Get a group of Spirit filled believers who know how to go into spiritual warfare mode to pray with you. You need to fight against the enemy because I can guarantee he is behind the painful situation and I can also guarantee he will try to use the situation to put a wedge between you and God.

Remember Someone is Watching You: You are never alone in you walk with God. Someone (family, friends, coworkers) is always watching, and they will see how you handle tough situations. We can use the opportunity to show others what forgiveness and healing really looks like.

Perspective: Look at the spiritual and not the natural. We must get our eyes off of the natural and look at the spiritual in every situation. When we remain in the natural our view is limited and we can get hyper focused on a situation, but when you shift your focus to the spiritual the natural just seems to fade away. Yes, it can still be painful but in the perspective of the eternal does it really matter? Is it as severe and all-consuming when you hold it up and view it through the lens of eternity and kingdom purposes?

Separate the Church from God: When we are hurt in the church we must not equate that to God hurting us. People will fail us and hurt us, but God will never do those things to us. The church is full of people who have their own issues they are trying to deal with, but God’s love and kindness are perfect.

Find a New Church: If you are hurt over and over in the church by leadership or if the teaching is off I would suggest you find a new place to worship, but make sure you get locked in right away. The longer you are out the easier it is to stay out.

Set Boundaries: Make sure you pray first and ask God what He wants you to do in the situation, but in my opinion, unless He says differently, it is okay to set boundaries with people. For example, if you have a best friend who is always telling all of your personal business it is 100% fine to stop telling them anything personal. Another example, if you have someone who is verbally abusive it is okay to maintain your distance and love them from a distance. You must forgive them and you should still pray for the, but if they are toxic love them from afar.

Blessings,

Nichole Henson, Fullness of Joy Ministry