Healthy communication is an area that so many struggle with and when communication becomes unhealthy and toxic it can negatively affect relationships. I have created this document and video (link at the bottom) to help us all create healthy communication patterns.

Let’s start by looking at the differences between communicating with assertiveness and aggression.

Difference Between Assertive and Aggression

Assertive: Being assertive means communicating with a direct and honest manner without intentionally hurting the feelings of others. It does not seek to hurt them or belittle their point of view or feelings. It also does not beat around the bush. Direct communication can lead to a reduction in conflict between people, strengthen the relationship, and grow personal as well as professional relationships.

Aggressive: The hallmarks of this type of communication are hostility, violent behavior/words toward the person being spoken to, a readiness to attack or negatively confront the other person, it goes beyond being assertive, it does not care if it hurts the other persons feelings, it often purposely hurts the listeners feelings, and the goal of the speaker is to make their point know by any means possible because they feel they are right and they do not care about the view point of others. It often resorts to name calling, belittling, and verbal abuse.  

Our goal should be to communicate in an assertive manner (clear, direct, honest, without intentionally hurting feelings) and avoid aggression in every single conversation we have. Even on topics we are passionate about. We must learn how to disagree and move on without harming the other person.  

The next type of unhealthy communication I was to address is passive aggressiveness.

Definition of Passive Aggressive

Passive aggression is a way of either verbally or non-verbally expressing negative emotions in indirect ways. It involves the use of verbal, non-verbal, and evasiveness that expresses discontent without ever saying it in a clear and direct way. It can include denial, distortion, cruelty, gaslighting, and using silence as a weapon. The behaviors can seem accidental or to not hold any meaning on the surface, but underneath they have an aggressive motive.

Examples of Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

They suddenly just disappear during the conversation. They shut down and refuse to respond. They give you the silent treatment for no apparent reason, and when you try to talk about what’s bothering them, they won’t tell you how they feel. They use their silence as a weapon and/or punishment for bringing up topics they want to avoid.

They offer you a compliment that is actually a dig. For example, your new dress is so pretty! I was surprised to see you in it because I didn’t think it was going to fit you.

To your face they say they will comply with your request. They don’t say no or voice their feelings, but then they never do what you have asked them to do. They often make excuses instead of saying what is really on their mind. They avoid honest communication.

When you ask them what is wrong they repeatedly claim that they are not mad or that they are fine. Even when they are showing you with their actions they are upset or mad they refuse to be emotionally open. Instead, they shut down communication and refuse to discuss the real issue.

They complain about situations and conversations they have with other people that bother them as a way to indirectly say that they are unhappy when these same situations occur with you. However, they will never directly just say why they are not happy with you and they will never have an honest conversation about it.

Now let’s switch from unhealthy patterns and learn about some healthy communication patterns.

Skills for Healthy Communication

Use “I” statements verses “you” statements. For example, “I need, I want, and I feel” verses “You are not acting how I want you to act, You do this wrong, You do not listen.”

Be clear in your words and communication. Do not expect the listener to figure out your meaning. If you feel like they are not understanding what you are trying to express, ask them what they hear you saying. Make sure there is not a demonic influence trying to twist your words or the listeners ears. You can pause for spiritual warfare if you sense this is happening or include it in your regular daily warfare until it breaks.

Think about what you want to say before you speak. Listen to the other speaker to understand and not to respond, but also give yourself time to think before you speak. When you speak before thinking more than likely you will respond based on emotion. It is okay to tell the listener that you need a moment to gather your thoughts. Take a few breaths, pray for direction, and then respond from a place of truth and not emotion. As you are listening to the other person speak put aside your own thoughts and feelings and focus on trying to understand their meaning, needs, wants, feelings, and intentions. Express empathy when appropriate.

Reflect back to them their meaning to make sure you understand what they are saying. For example, “It sounds like to me you are saying……..” If you are correct in what they are saying move forward in the conversation. If you are not correct ask them to explain further. Many times there are break downs in communication because we do not understand what the other person is trying to communicate, we assume the wrong thing behind their words, or one or both parties have difficulty expressing their feelings, intentions, and meaning in words. Avoid jumping to conclusions. Try to find out all the facts before you form an opinion.

Always be aware of the tone of your voice and facial expression, especially if you are often misunderstood based on them. There are times we can be in deep thought, but the listener can misinterpret our tone and facial expression which can cause them to go on the offensive right from the start of trying to have a conversation.

Avoid speaking from a place of defensiveness.

Avoid using the silent treatment as punishment. If you need a break verbally express your need, place a specific time limit for the break, use it for prayer, and relaxation. Also make it clear to the listener it not because they have been “bad” that you need a break, but it is more about your personal need to get alone with God.

Avoid having conversations with the only intent of proving your point. You can make a point without hitting the listener over the head with the point. Be gentle and understanding in your approach. Have conversations with the goal in mind to better understand one another’s point of view.

Do not keep score of all wrongs done by the other person to use when you have a heated conversation. Keep focused on the topic at hand and resist the urge to bring up the past and long list of past behaviors. If the topic is about patterns in the person’s life then it would be appropriate to bring up past and current patterns, but do it from a place of love and understanding and not anger, judgement, and accusation.

Plan ahead and sit aside uninterrupted time for the discussion. Don’t start important conversations if you do not have the time to spend for a full discussion. Also do not start the conversation if you are experiencing strong emotions. Pray first and make sure to have your emotions under control. Respond with the fruit of the Spirit: love (unselfish concern for others), joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Stay fully present for every conversation. Make sure you are maintaining eye contact, have open body language, and stay engaged. Don’t allow your mind to wonder, check out, or get distracted.

Ask open-ended questions to better understand the other persons viewpoint and meaning. For example, “What do you mean when you say……., is this what you mean……?”

Periodically summarize (for clarity) what the speaker is saying so that you make sure you are both on the same page.

Link to video: https://youtu.be/V62kHsk2sZs?si=Uu7l6X4Oe9i1U8Tq

Blessings,

Nichole Henson, MSW

Fullness of Joy Ministry