Abusive relationships can take place in any type of relationship including marriage, dating, family, friendship, ministry, church, workplace, community, etc. The characteristics of healthy relationships are love, respect, humility, honesty, and mutual care for one another.

Characteristics of an Abusive Relationship

Extreme Jealously: They often disguise the jealously as love, but it goes to a toxic and even sometimes dangerous level. It is controlling and affects your life in a negative. For example not being “allowed” to leave the house alone, constantly being accused of not being loyal to them, not being “allowed” to have other relationships without them constantly talking bad about the other person or putting so much pressure on you that it makes the other relationships impossible, accusing you of wanting out of the relationship for someone else, controlling how you dress, etc.

Cycles of Abuse (physical or emotional): The abuse is blow up either verbally and or physically which is then followed by apologies, promises to change, affection, or love bombing. Following the apologies is the buildup phase which then leads to another blow up. The cycle can be rapid or slow. When it is slow it can sometimes be hard to spot.

During the blow up they can use threats, intimidation, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and or sexual coercion. It is not consent for sex if you must be manipulated, belittled, guilted, or verbally or physically forced to say yes.

Misuse of Faith: They use scripture, faith, or religious beliefs to justify sinful behavior or to silence you. They can also twist scripture to demand submission and make you feel like the guilty one for the sin.

Manipulation: The manipulation may be hard to recognize, but it can be used by the abusive person to get their own way. It includes emotional and/or verbal coercion to get their way through guilt, fear, shame, or obligation (real or made up). Your feelings do not matter, and they will do whatever it takes to get the results they want. For example, they may use threats (physical or emotional), criticisms (sometimes in the form of trying to “help” you), lies, distortions, and sometimes they will keep going and going with the hopes of wearing you out. If they are really good at manipulation, they will get you to think you are the one making the decision to do what they want or that it is for your own good to do what they want. They may be so good at it that it makes it hard to recognize, but look at the relationship and ask yourself are your needs being met, are you being heard, do you have a say in the relationship?

Lack of Boundaries: You are not allowed to have boundaries in the relationship. They are constantly crossed, whether through belittling comments, mockery, dishonesty, or a lack of support for your personal goals and growth. They want to know everything you say, think, feel, and do. You are never allowed your own space, and you definitely can never tell them no without some form of negative consequences. They are constantly testing the waters to see how far they can push your boundaries, and they try to convince you that the boundaries are not necessary or even that you are wrong for trying to create them.

Power and Control: They have control over your decisions, finances, friendships, and/or daily life. They make all the decisions, and they think they always know what is best. Even if you are “allowed” to give input it is only for show because what you want is never what is done. They retain control by physical violence, the threat of physical violence, emotional abuse, guilt, shame, and/or the withholding of love and/or approval.

Walking on Eggshells: You are always watching what you say, do, and even feel because you do not want to set them off. You would rather suppress your feelings than to face their anger, judgement, or withholding of their love, attention, or affection.

Blame-Shifting: They refuse to take responsibility for any of their actions. They feel that everything (including their abuse) is someone else’s fault. They are never wrong and they are never to blame.

Gaslighting: They try to make you feel like you are not operating from a place of reality because when you see them for what they are they want you to see their “truth” and not the real truth. You find yourself doubting your own reality, perception, memory, or sanity because they consistently deny that events happened or manipulates the truth to fit their narrative. You may actually start to feel like you are going crazy because they are trying to make you feel that way. You may also stop trusting your own judgment because you feel like you are so off the mark because they always make you feel like they are right and you are wrong. This can greatly affect your discernment, self-worth, and judgement. It can take years to start to see that they actually were the problem and not you.

Constantly Walking on Eggshells: You actively censor your words or actions to avoid triggering an argument, emotional outbursts, or passive-aggressive behavior from them. You can never be fully open and honest with your feelings, needs, or wants because you do not want them to have a negative reaction. You may not even know what will set them off, so you are constantly on guard just waiting for them to explode.

Blame-Shifting: No matter the issue, you are always at fault. They always deflect responsibility and twist situations so that you end up the one to apologize for their mistakes. You may even walk away from the disagreement feeling like it was your fault. This is where their manipulation and gaslighting come into play. If they are really good at blame shifting it may go unnoticed for a very long time.  

Isolation from Support System: They subtly or overtly cut you off from friends and family. They may say who you can see, criticize your loved ones, or guilt-trip you for spending time with others. They may try to say that others do not really like you and that they are out to hurt you, but the real reason they want everyone else out of your life is because they want to separate you from your support system so all you have in your life is them.  

Disrespect, Criticism, Humiliation and Belittling: This can take many forms, but the bottom line is they are not kind and loving. They may be possessive, but possessiveness is not love or kindness. When they are cycling after a blow up they can also appear to be kind and loving, but it never last long. They are usually only kind and loving when you are doing exactly what they want. When you do not do exactly what they want they often respond with hate, anger, disrespect, criticism, humiliation, and belittling. They may do it in the form of “jokes”, but it is still hurtful and it is not appropriate. They may also do it in the form of being passive aggressive, but they get their point across one way or another.

Spiritual Abuse

I am going to talk about this type of abuse separately from what we have already covered. Spiritual abuse often goes unnoticed and unlabeled as abusive. It can include some or all the items on the above list plus the following.

Definition of Spiritual Abuse

This type of abuse happens when someone misuses their spiritual position, God, “giftings” from God, Biblical language, scriptures, or authority to control, manipulate, intimidate, coerce, have a sexual encounter with, seal money from, very abuse, physically abuse, harass, or exploit other in anyway instead of shepherding them with a Christlike love, humility, and care. This often results in the victims having a distorted view of God, carrying guilt that is not theirs to carry, feeling very confused, and at times they even end up turning away from God.

Characteristics of Spiritual Abuse

Unquestionable Leadership and Control: You are never allowed to question them. What they say goes and if you speak up, ask any questions, or call them out on their abusive behavior you are labeled as a Jezabel, accuser of the brethren, or being used by Satan to bring division. You may even be told to leave the church or ministry because they label you as the problem. The other members of the church or ministry are told to stay away from you because you are being used by the enemy to create issues in the church and if they fellowship with you they will also start to have problems. You may also be labeled as a gossip, slanderer, liar, and told that you are in rebellion to God. There is no transparency on their part, and they do not welcome any kind of accountability or questioning.

Fear and Guilt: You are pressured to meet impossible standards and are required to serve in the ministry excessively to prove your own worth or faith. You are told if you do not serve to their standards you are not loving God the way you are supposed to and that God is not happy with you. They use scriptures out of context to create fear and make people walk the line that they have created. They also use scriptures out of context to excuse their demand for control, financial demons, and other forms of abuse.

Isolation: They often encourage you to separate from family, other religious communities, and anyone else that is outside of them, their church, or their ministry. They want to minimize any form of outside contact out of fear that concerns will be raised regarding their behavior.

Boundary Crossing: They often pry into your personal life under the guise of helping, but it is more about control. They may ask about your personal life, dictate your finances, clothing, and even intimate relationships. If they are pursuing a sexual relationship they will push physical boundaries to get you to let your guard down a little at a time until they can get the contact they want.

Speaking for God: They claim to speak for God in a way that demands obedience, respect, and no questions asked. It discourages or even forbids questions or any form of accountability. The expectation of blind obedience is demanded. You are not encouraged to walk in your own discernment, but instead you are directed to trust and obey them in every area of your life. This includes the message to disagree with them is to also disagree with God because they are “the man or woman of God”.

Loyalty: They demand unquestioning loyalty and submission to them rather than pointing that loyalty and submission toward God. Loyalty is often interpreted as not speaking about abuse you are enduring from them or abuse you see them perpetrated on others. It is used as a way to guilt and shame you into unquestionable submission.

Public Humility: They publicly shame, humiliate, or isolate you if you raise concerns about their ungodly behaviors. They use fear, guilt, or threats of God’s judgment to control your behavior. They can also make you feel guilty for even thinking they may not be the man or woman of God they say they are.

Reporting Abuse: They discourage outside counsel or even reporting of abuse. They will never seek help or admit they are the problem. They use scriptures out of context to shift the blame from themselves to the victim. If abuse is disclosed they will often dismiss it as “spiritual warfare” and lies. They create an atmosphere where they cannot be questioned. Their authority is above scripture. Of course, they do not usually come straight out and say that, but it is taught and implied. They protect themselves and other abusers at the cost of the victim. They victim blame and never take personal accountability. They excuse their sinful behavior because they are “anointed”, gifted, and successful. They claim they should not even be questioned about their behavior. They lie and live and hypocritical  lives. Secrecy is encouraged instead of Biblical transparency and accountability. They may even use NDA’s or the threat of suing to keep you and other victims silent.

If you are connected with any type of church or ministry where you are not allowed to ask any questions to or about the leadership, their beliefs, their actions, or their lives that is a huge red flag.

What you should do if you find yourself in an Abusive relationship.

If there is physical abuse or threats of physical abuse prioritize your safety immediately. Create a safety plan and get to a safe space as soon as possible. If you have children take them with you. If you do not have children, but children are involved and they are being abused call the police to make a report. If you do not know how to create a safety plan you can find one online at: https://stoprelationshipabuse.org/help/develop-a-safety-plan/

You can also call The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

Contact someone that you trust and tell them about the abuse. Journal all past abuse, include dates, places, and what happened. You may need this information later. Moving forward document everything.

Seek Biblical counsel from individual(s) who understand abuse and not people who will tell you to stay in the abusive relationship and pray harder, submit more, etc. There is nothing wrong with prayer, but if there is abuse you need to get to a safe place.

The abuse is not your fault. You do not deserve it and there is nothing you did to cause it.

Create healthy boundaries with all areas of your life and with all relationships. If you do not know how to create healthy boundaries spend some time researching and learning about boundaries. They are very important and needed in our lives.

Seek inner healing from God. The abuse created wounds that need to be healed. Before you move on with your life make sure you pause for healing from God. Don’t move on before you have fully healed. You do not want to carry the effects of this trauma for the rest of your life. You can heal and you can walk in victory. Learn who God created you to be and strip off every single lie of the enemy. Heal, walk through deliverance, and close the door to the chapter of abuse and trauma. Pray for wisdom, courage, and discernment.

Do not stay silent. It is not your secret or shame to keep or carry. Speak up and speak out when you feel ready. You do not have to carry this abuse alone. Take your voice back and use it as the Lord leads. If criminal behavior occurred report it to the police.

If abuse occurred within the church or ministry report it to the church accountability (what every form that may be) AND if it was criminal behavior also report it to the police regardless if the church leadership wants you to report it or not.

It is never ever okay for a spiritual leader to seek out, encourage, manipulate, or coerce any type of sexual contact with someone that looks to him/her for spiritual leadership. That is not a relationship. It is a power dynamic that is abusive.

It is not your job to fix or even help the abuser.

If you are in an abusive relationship and do not know who to reach out to please feel free to message me. Fullnessofjoyministry@gmail.com I can help connect you to resources. You do not have to walk through this process alone!

Blessings,

Nichole Henson

Fullness of Joy Ministry